What a dick

I am a fucking cunt.... Yep I said it I am a pathetic selfish cunt. I would like to say that it the beautiful side of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) but the truth is it just me. I have this incredible gift of just fucking everything up. See the thing is i dont know or understand what happiness or what it feels like to actually be loved. Now to be clear ive had relationships, believed i was in love but looking at it through therapy and with the right people , it was not love I felt. I loved the idea of it, I loved the idea and structure that love and relationships created.

I grew up idolising my Grandfather and the really old fashioned values that he had and passed on to me. Unfortunately from a very young age i was different. I was the only one in play school and then all through school until going to seniors school like me, I have natural red hair . Yes i am ginger. now i know nowadays that sounds like nothing, but when you are the only kid (even in my family) im instantly an out cast. i got bullied, told i didnt belong, had stones thrown on me on was home, told i was ugly. I was a fucking innocent kid you cunts.

so as you can guess all i wasnted was to belong.

i went into relationsips with anyone who would take me, let them mould meinto who they wanted. Ididnt knoq who i was... I wasned the dream that i grew up believing.

i let myself get abused mentally, sexualy and physically and always thought that i =s what i deserved , that was the love i deserved.

I got ill. Like actully ill with hopsitals, being told not once but twice in 5 yearas i may die. i never cried. i believed that was me. thart is what i deaserved. nowi want to make this very very fucking clear....n i am not claiming or in anyway saying i am a victim as that is bullshit. this isnt poor me it understanding.

i pulled myself together then my best friend and grandfather die.... fucking brilliant. now this is where it all fucks up.

out of blue i meet some one..... someone who sees through all the bullshit all the abuse all ive ever known and showed me what love is. the kind of love that even after 3 years if he walks out of room i miss him. aA love that makes me cry as im happy, A love that makes me drop all ive ever known and be different as if thats the real me.

sounds fucking great right? it is unfortunatly i do not know how the fuck to be loved. i mean fuckinghell this is real. this is stuff of fairy tai;ls, he is my soul mate, my better half. He pushes me, supports m, became my safe place... i mean fuck for thr first time when someone held me i felf safe, untouchable, loved , sexy and unbelievably happy..... that scared me. i was always so scared to be happy, so scared i would lose him,so scared another woman would take his attention, that he would see that i was not good enough, that i was too damaged, that he could do better. he did nothing to show that. he did dso much for me he is nothing but pure amazing and without a doubt the best person i have ever met. 

Everytime it is going sol well ad im happy i sytart to panic, i have negative thoughts, i overthink, i freak out and i sabatage anf fuck itup.

for 3 years he has been a fucking saint and even when split up he takes me back and chooses e, hes patient and reaaly tirs to help me.

now me being cunt ik am i just want the happiness . to be happy , to make hime happy, to love him and feel loved up, but then i do not know or understand emotions, im so fucking despert to be perfect to be hppy to be loved , ever if something bothers me or i dont like something, i dont say a word i bottle it up, i keep it in until i just burst in worste way at worste timesas so fucking selfihand scared that he will leave so i just busrt and sabatage my happiness as it never seems real. this is shit from dreams, from story books, shit like this doesn't happen to me. 

now as i just start to sort my self out to stop feeling like this ad just be happy and loved up my stupid brain decided to have one last sabotage in worst way that now my fear is reality...... ive lost him. 

as ive made clear im a fucked up girl... im alone in my feelings and my emotions and in my head.... now its the biggest fight of my life to change and win back the love of my life wish me luck.